Fiona kindly allows me to share my musings (aimless ramblings?) here. She’s a great scribble sibling and a true friend. And this outlet is one reason I still write at all.
See, on my blog, I record my wife Gaye’s breast cancer journey. In my day-life, I’m a jumped up accountant who doggy paddles against a 20-foot swell of imposter syndrome. Hour-to-hour, I often feel like I’m drowning or failing or simply failing to drown.
Yeah, I’m a “hoot” at parties.
Thing is, I didn’t realize until a couple of years ago that what I struggle with (mostly) is anxiety. There’s also a pronounced lack of coping skills. Oh, and a splash of immaturity.
NOTE: First/foremost none of this is intended as medical advice. After too many years of struggle I went to my doctor and got some help. I simply cannot recommend talking with your family physician highly enough.
I struggled before this diagnosis. Among other things, my anxiety often manifested in a short temper exacerbated by the previously mentioned dearth of coping skills and immaturity. Through counseling, I was introduced to Dr. David Burns’ The Feeling Good Handbook.
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| A comprehensive guide to adulting |
Initially, I thought TFGH was kinda hokey. Who talks like that? How do I relate to this? But I take homework seriously and continued my reading. Then the messages began to seep through the granite-like substance that is my skull.
The cornerstone of Cognitive Behavior Therapy, TFGH helps the reader through rational examination and thoughtful response exercise to build healthy strategies. Most importantly, Dr. Burns successfully proves-up the theory that your thoughts dictate your emotions and all-too often, behaviors.
Yeah, yeah, the idea’s been around for well over 1800 years. I’m a little slow on the uptake.
However, once I got it, (most of what we feel is due to what’s going on in the noggin’ NOT what’s going on outside the noggin’) my perspective shifted. Did life turn to gold, success, and ponies overnight? I’ll let you sus that one out. The point is, things did get better.
The most important “better” was my relationship with my wife. For the first time in years, I saw her as an ally and not an adversary. There isn’t an ounce of hyperbole when I say the book saved my marriage.
But then I saw life as beautiful experience instead of a dogged, never-ending challenge or torment. Work improved. I went back to school. Work REALLY improved.
As always, this broaches the eternal question, “The hell this has to do with writing?”
Honestly, more than you’d think. What didn't initially improve was my writing. I haven’t done a lot of fiction writing since Gaye’ diagnosis. Playing “cops and robbers and more robbers,” seems silly when your beloved faces cancer.
Then there’s the day-to-day recovery—at the expense of actually living.
It’s really easy to get invested in laundry, cleaning, and Walmart runs. “Oh, up early? That book can wait ‘cause there’s never gonna be a better time to get at that litterbox…” Then there’s that whole work-for-pay scam.
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| They laugh at my gainful employment |
“Objects at rest remain at rest…” Newton’s 1st Law
A writer must write. Failure to write carries some scary consequences. The least of which is the atrophy of imagination. That immediately leads to facing life, full-on with no buffer. I personally cannot do that.
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| Zeno of Cyprus, also a "hoot" at parties. |
Just as we must manage our thoughts and emotions, (or they will certainly manage us) we must manage our creativity. Especially when you haven't written in a while or you're empty-headed or even though you want/need to, just don’t wanna.
So, how-to?
Pinterest—bear with me—is a good guide. You look at/like/pin photos of cars and Pinterest shows you more cars. Same-same for cats, food, or comic book covers.
The (evil) algorithm, be that anxiety, depression, etc., also notes what you seek and gives you more of it. Negative programming? No thoughts of kitties and Viennese chocolate cake for you. You get intrusive thoughts about your report deadlines, every stupid thing you ever said, and the last 16 arguments with your SO.
Again, how do you change what it shows you?
For me it was nearly impossible to leap right back into cold-start creation. Instead, I started reading other peoples' work. Bardugo's Grishaverse, a Marvel Comics omnibus, J.L. Campbell's "Murder She Wrote." And there were sparks in the imagination box.
But not enough to charge into the oppressive blank page/screen. Instead, I opened the final (for now) draft of my manuscript (MS). The MS that was perfect something-something years ago. The MS that is ready for line-editing. THE MS that requires no further tinkering with tone or pace.
Funny thing, once I opened that file, I found some tonal and pacing anomalies.
After a couple of weeks of yet-further revisions, I began to think of a short story that I plan to expand to novella. That was not as deliberate as it may read. It was cognitive redirection.
Listening to (White Man) in Hammersmith Palais, by The Clash—and I immediately know where my protag should be from, geographically as well as culturally. An article on the vocational/trade training renaissance and voilà, my protag has some skills that mos def will impact the plot/goals/stakes. A gag in a sitcom? Well, you get the idea.
Positive-in, positive-out. Focus on what nurtures your spirit and fuels your dreams and you’ll see the stuff of dreams more often than a blank page, (screen, you know, whatevs).
NOTE: all the "Power of Positive Thinking," in the world will not treat your depression, anxiety, or PTSD.
Remember the “this is not medical advice” disclaimer above? Yeah, this is a guide for writers trying to resume their scribble game or find a new grove. This is not medical/mental health advice of any kind.
Again, I needed help and I sought it out. If you’re struggling, reach out to your primary doctor. If you’re not there yet, maybe explore your employer’s EAP program. Failing all of that, NAMI helps connect people to resources. You can find out more here.
Key takeaways:
Focus on the negative, all you’ll see is negative
Focus on the positive and you'll see positive
Take small steps and build on the results
Nothing happens without work
No “tip” is a replacement for professional help
Get well, stay well, keep creating.
I own none of the photos above. All are used for illustrative/educational purposes as covered by the Fair Use Doctrine.
