Monday, November 20, 2017

Waxing Poetic OR "Uhm, yeah, that happened." OR TMI, Tina! OR "Read it and Weep"

As many of you know, I write romantic suspense to which I often add a dash of psychic suspense to spice things up. 

But I think, it's a good idea to stretch one's writing skills, to try out new things from time to time. It helps keep a writer from becoming stale.

To that end, last holiday season, I accepted a brewery bet with my friend Tina Glasneck to write a mystery collection that was just about having fun and laughing in a raunchy and possibly immature kind of way (as much as you can laugh at a murder mystery). We came up with the Badge Bunny Booze Mystery Collection. 

In case you missed the origins talk.

The "If You See Kay" books are a place where we can reach into our closets and pull out our most embarrassing moments, and put them on full display. In our newest book "If You See Kay Freeze" there's a riff that we play on the following very personal Tina story - here for your entertainment, (and horror grimaces) ladies and gentlemen, the very human, Tina Glasneck bares her uhm soul:

With Sex in the City coming to theaters, I was reminded of my intrigue of being like Samantha. The idea of intimate waxing used to be foreign to me. Why get rid of what is naturally there, but with bikini season approaching and a much needed vacation in the Bahamas ever on the horizon, I thought to go less than au natural.

After a hectic Thursday morning at work, during my break, I contacted several spas around the city to find one that might have an appointment available before I flew. My break was almost over and my patience in finding something was waning until I called THE SPA. Booking my appointment, I did some reconnaissance. I mean, I couldn’t just let anyone touch me there.

The Spa was an establishment I’d heard of located in the prestigious West End of Richmond, Virginia. The building wasn’t shoddy and there was always a crowd of women going in and out. Taking the required Tylenol before I exited my Honda, I trudged over to the glass and metal doors. Hesitant didn’t describe the feeling scream in my stomach, but I wanted to surprise that special someone. I mean, wasn’t Samantha always getting her friends to do the same?

After waiting for a few minutes, I was taken to the back, where relaxing meditation music played. I didn’t hear any screams. It was a good sign, I thought as I continued to follow the technician in her white garbs. In her soothing and mellow Indian voice, the technician told me about the many different possibilities, but suggested that since this was my first time waxing, that I should try the Brazilian. The Brazilian is a nice way of saying all the hair will be removed.

Naivety coursed through me. I only saw the smile of my special someone with my vacation surprise. Pants down and lying flat like at the GYN, my dimpled knees trembled. Turning my head, I saw the utensils to be used – the talcum powder, wooden sticks, cloth strips and scissors. Taking a deep breath, the powder was applied. Well, I thought if this is waxing, this is easy.

Then I felt the heat. The wax was smeared onto the hair, the cloth pressed down, and then with a short warning, the ripping out began. Tears sprang to my eyes as my hands clawed at the paper sheet. I wanted to scream to stop the intense pain that felt worse than how I imagined death. Instead, the torment continued second after second, minute after minute until within sixty minutes it was all gone.

My flesh was raw. It was comparable only to having my wisdom teeth removed, but I didn’t want to cry in public. I could save that for the car, for the drive home. Aloe Vera was applied, and I was sent on my way with have a nice day.

The usual fifteen minute drive home lasted less than seven, as I sped through traffic. Finally arriving, I tried to sexily saunter into the house. But all the water and coffee from the morning was weighing down on my bladder. Instead of a seductive strut, I hurried into the house doing the pee-pee dance of a five year old. Finally, there before the necessary porcelain throne, I pulled down my pants. Then, I discovered a problem. My lacey Victoria secret was stuck, glued to my skin by the still present wax.

My mind panicked. I was over thirty and to urinate on myself was not an option. Then I remembered, well when I get my eyebrows waxed, they sometimes apply olive oil. Is this even a possibility? I raced down the carpeted steps and threw open the cabinet doors looking for the large Costco size bottle of olive oil that I knew we had somewhere in the house. Pushing back the wine, which I’d probably need later, I discovered the green goddess waiting there for me.

With a dash back to the bathroom, and the twisting off of the top, I poured the liquid gold over me, dousing my burning skin. The image of fabulous Samantha faded as I waddled to my bed. The plans of Saturday night dissipated with each step. Instead of Sex in my city, I was left with only a raw hide.

That is so horrific. Oh my goodness! When you read Freeze, see if you can't find the seeds of this story. You can read all of the Badge Bunny Booze Mystery Collection: If You See Kay Run, If You See Kay Hide, If You See Kay Freeze for sale on Amazon.

Hope you enjoy!