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Showing posts with label DeBecker. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DeBecker. Show all posts

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Predators 101: Info for Writers


(Photo credit: Wikipedia
How a Predator Courts His Victim and How to Save Your Heroine



DISCLAIMER - This is a non-political site that is geared to help writers write it right. I am presenting information to help develop fictional characters and fictional scenes. In no way am I advocating any position or personal decision.




Your heroine was distracted. Who could blame her? You've written all kinds of drama into the poor girl's life. Amazing that her head didn't explode. At least you were nice enough to write in a bar of chocolate; and right now, that's where her focus is. Chocolate. Not Predator.


The predator approaches -


Did you know that various statistics show that 3/4 of all attacks on women are performed after verbal threat alone? Women are often socialized to not cause a scene.


One way a heroine falls victim is the Blitz. The predator jumps out of nowhere and tries to overwhelm her. This kind of attack is rare. The response of your heroine would be to SCREAM!!!! and fight. And that is not what the predator wants. The predator wants to assert control over the situations. He's picked his victim and now he moves in to confront her. After a victim is sized up, she is courted. Here’s how:


Teammates - using the word “we.” "We’re in this together." "We’re on the same team." If the heroine doesn't know someone, and they are suddenly using the “we” word? She should focus!


Charm - This person is charming. This person is so kind. FOCUS. Why would the guy come over and help your heroine put her groceries into her car? That’s not a normal behavior. A normal guy would go about his business and let her go about hers. A guy whose attention she attracted will help her put your groceries in the car - don’t let it flatter the heroine. This guy wants something. Say “No. Thank you.” and stick to it (see discounted “no” below).



Details - Someone who is telling the truth believes that the truth speaks for itself. When the heroine starts getting too many details, she should FOCUS. The nice guy says something pleasant as he goes up the stairs. "I’m going to the same floor as you - let me help you with the groceries. I’m going to your floor because I have to feed my best friend's dog." Cons use words to distract us. Too many words - too many details.

Pigeonholing - A con who makes your heroine feel badly for a perception she gave off needs her focus. An example: “You’re probably too snobbish to talk to me.” The answer? None. Don’t let your heroine get sucked in. Or she could say, “I don’t talk to strangers.” And then don’t let your heroine engage when the predator keeps trying to push her off the point. If she doesn't talk to strangers, she should not let him prove otherwise by goading her into saying something - anything to him or he has gained control. (see Discounted No, below)


Debt - When someone does something for her and that puts her in his debt. “Let me carry that bag for you.” He’s nice. He didn't take no for an answer. And now she owes him. Hmmmn.

Promises - “I’ll just walk you to your car and make sure you're safe. I promise.” If she hears an unsolicited, “I promise,” it’s probably a lie, and your heroine's probably in trouble. She needs to come up with an exit strategy - now!

Blog Link to LIARS

Discounting the word “no.” - She said, “No, thank you,” and the con still pushes her on the point? “It’s no trouble - I’m glad to help.”


Video Quick Study (2:24)

  • First scenario is a blitz.
  • Second scenario shows: "Pigeonholing," "Charm," "Discounting No".


So what is happening for your heroine?



A victim will respond to very little intensity with a rush of adrenaline. One of the effects of adrenaline is for the victim to stop breathing. Having your heroine speak gets her breathing and allows her to function under high stress. So if you want your heroine to move through the scene, get her talking (not screaming).


When your heroine experiences a rush of adrenaline, she will generally respond passively or aggressively. Her reaction will depend on personality traits and acculturation. A woman growing up in a rough neighborhood will respond differently than a woman who grew up sheltered and in a male dominant household.



PASSIVE - 
The Heroine - will beta stance - cave her shoulders, lower her head, turn to an angle. The Predator - will be thrilled! He will increase his aggression, escalating his controlling/abusive behaviors. A passive respondent means he has found his victim and can control her with his voice and body language alone.


Blog Link LIMBIC SYSTEM



AGGRESSIVE

The Heroine - responds with an alpha stance, loud voice, aggressive body language.


Blog Link:Trouble! Body Language 101 for WritersWriters

The Predator -

The response of most aggressors to aggression is fire on gasoline. An aggressive predator will not de-escalate, so now you have a fight on your hands.Was that your plot line all along? Good - because they are going at each other's throats.



Assertive Behavior
Will signal the predator that your heroine is not an easy mark. It will help the aggressor to make other behavior decisions. But it will NOT guarantee that violence is not imminent.

If the body language (see above link) shows aggressive body language ramping up, she should be prepared to defend herself and risk serious injury to prevent herself from being taken to a secondary location.


Blog Link - A Heroine's Plan to Escape Car abduction


The Assertive Heroine - Maintains distance, has a neutral stance with hands up (She is prepared to move into a defensive stance if things escalate but will not tip her hand that she knows how to defend herself. She needs to maintain the element of surprise).

As much as is possible the heroine would maintain neutral eye contact, facial expression and voice tone (to begin with).

“I said no. And I mean no!” Use her stern "I take no shit" voice.
She is no longer polite. Let nothing change that “no” or the guy
has power and knows he can manipulate you. I liken this one to
my kids whining at me, whining, and whining until finally I say,
“FINE! Just take the darned cookie and be quiet.” What did I just
train my kid to do? Hang in there and whine obnoxiously because
soon I will give in. What did I train the con to do? - Push me and
push and push and I’ll give in. "NO!" and stick to it.



Blog Link The Man Had His Penis In His Hand; How NOT to Leave Dance Class


Aggressor - An aggressor will respond to assertiveness by extracting themselves from the situation.



A Predator will continue to push back and try to intimidate the
heroine using the above scenarios. This is where the heroine
escalates to protective mode. Remember, once your heroine
engages, she's committed. She must stay in the fight until she can
escape.


Blog Link - How to Dress Your Characters so She Has a Fighting Chance



Ideas developed in this blog are an extension of a book review that I did on Gift of Fear by DeBecker. 

As always, a big thank you ThrillWriters and readers for stopping by. Thank you, too, for your support. When you buy my books, you make it possible for me to continue to bring you 
helpful articles and keep ThrillWriting free and accessible to all.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Stalkers 101: Info for Writers

My eye
 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Book Review - Stopping a Stalker - A Cop’s Guide to making the System Work for You by Captain Robert L. Snow. Amazon link


Growing up, my family had a stalker. The craziness that was part of our daily lives was the result of my father’s poor choices and even worse actions. Maybe he deserved his “Fatal Attraction” nightmare, but I’m sure that I did not. 

As an adult, I got my own stalker. This time it was because of my husband’s actions - he said “no,” when a sociopathic neighbor fixated on his saying, "yes." I was in the way of her desires, so I got a whole lot of crazy thrown into my world. This included our needing to put 24-hour video surveillance on our house, and a year of jail time dangling over my neighbor's head if she ignored her restraining order.

In my book WEAKEST LYNX, I write what I know. And what I know is how a victim feels when there is a stalker in the picture. It feels like living in a war zone - you never know when the bomb will fall. You never know how destructive it will be.


In 
The Gift of Fear Gavin DeBecker wrote about stalker behavior and what an individual could do to protect themselves. I agree with what he wrote. And if you find yourself in the position of being stalked OR if you are writing about a stalking victim, I encourage you to read his information. 

From my perspective as a former stalking victim, his advice makes sense to me. In my life as a science-experiment, testing out my own theories on how to handle my situation, I found that following the protocol set up by DeBecker led to manageable outcomes. When I deviated from the criterion I had set up for myself, and DeBecker warns against, I recall how empowered this woman became, and then it was a wilder, hairy-er ride.
Another book which I think is incredibly helpful is called: Stopping a Stalker - A Cop’s Guide to making the System Work for You by Captain Robert L. Snow.

Snow believes that stalking is a form of terrorism (I concur). It is now illegal in all fifty states though the definition of stalking changes from state to state. 

  • Stalking laws are fairly new - no state had them until 1990.
  • Stalker statistical tracking didn’t begin until 1994. 
  • National statistics indicate that 90% of the women killed every year by current or former spouses were stalked prior to their deaths. 
  • Experts put the chance of being stalked at 1 in 20 conservatively, or as frequently as 1 in 10 making stalking a crime whose victim numbers equal all major crimes put together.

Stalking is a little bit hard to define at times. Not in my case with the neighbor. She was pursuing me for harm's sake. But what about the guy who wants the girl? Is he really supposed to stop when she says no? Hmm. Well, if she says no and she means it - if his actions are unwanted, unwarranted, and uncomfortable, by law, he needs to stay away. Sorry all of you romance writers! Your hero is probably going to get a big old restraining order on his record if he keeps that mess up.

Simple Obsession Stalkers 
  • Stalkers who were in an intimate relationship, and they can’t take “no” for “no.” 
  • Usually these stalkers were domineering and/or abusive in the relationship. 
  • This usually doesn’t start with physical attacks but a conversation - “Can I just talk to you.”

Love Obsession Stalkers

  • Are people who become fixated on a person where there was NO intimate relationship in their past. Maybe they saw their victim at work or on a bus…the love-obsessed stalker believes that their relationship is mystical and special - ordained. 
  • These people usually had a “chronic failure in social and sexual relationships through young adulthood…” (p.21). 
  • These people are often delusional. 
  • Celebrity Stalking falls into this category.

Cause Stalkers
  • Believe in some cause such as anti-abortionists who stalk and kill the doctors.

Revenge Stalkers
  • Seek to punish someone for a wrong - perhaps they were fired, etc.
Serial Stalking  
  • Experts believe that half of the stalkers have stalked others. 

Other Stalkers
  • Some stalkers do not stalk out of love but hate (as in my case - second time around). 
  • Stalking becomes revenge.
Stalking Traits

  • Will not take no for an answer (so as Gavin DeBecker says - don’t answer them. Even to say “no.”)
  • Display obsessive personalities
  • Have above average intelligence
  • Usually do not have relationships outside of their victim.
  • Don’t display normal levels of anxiety or discomfort 
  • Often have low self-esteem
  • Do not see their actions as being hurtful (though my stalker gloried in knowing she was causing me dis-ease)
  • Often have a mean streak when they are frustrated leading them to violence. How violent? Often deadly. 
  • Display Sociopathic thinking. (May I also suggest the book the Sociopath Next Door?)
(pp 23-26)

“According to the National Victim Center: ‘While this kind of stalker may or may not prove to have psychological disorders, all clearly have personality disorders.’ A few of these personality disorders,according to the Center, include:

  1. Socially maladjusted and inept
  2. Emotionally immature
  3. Often the subject of feelings of powerlessness
  4. Unable to succeed in relationships by socially acceptable means
  5. Jealousy, bordering on paranoia
  6. Extremely insecure about themselves
  7. Often suffering from low self-esteem
(p 38)

In the case of intimate partner stalking three-phase cycle seems to be followed:

  1. Tension building (hundreds of phone calls, surveillance…)
  2. Violence against victim, victim’s friends, victim’s family including angry face-to-face confrontation, physical assaults, kidnapping, and murder.
  3. Hearts and flowers - reverts to gentle tactics begging forgiveness.
It may appear that they have abandoned the stalking all together. This pause is actually a very dangerous time period because the victim might believe that it’s over, and she can get on with her life. The women let down their guard leaving them unprepared and unprotected when it starts up again - usually violently. (pp40-41)

This book is HIGHLY RECOMMENDED for writers who have a stalker scenario and those who find themselves in this life circumstance. 

As always, a big thank you ThrillWriters and readers for stopping by. Thank you, too, for your support. When you buy my books, you make it possible for me to continue to bring you 

helpful articles and keep ThrillWriting free and accessible to all.