Learning how to Pee (Piss?) Like a Guy (another weird writing adventure)

attribution: By Peter Bond, CC BY-SA 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=14445788

WARNING - If you can't tell from the title, this article might have moments of TMI.

Okay, I'm just going to say it, the peeing sitting down thing is a problem for your female characters sometimes. Mostly, it's been a problem for me when I'm training in the woods or on missions with search and rescue, when the call of nature happens out in nature. I've even run into issues in an urban setting, as your character might, when there are no bathrooms available. 

I remember this one time that the only copse of trees I could find on the city limits was down a hill. I got down, did my business but could not get back up because it was too steep and the trees pulled out of the ground when I tried used them as grips. So there I was, wishing that I could, like the men, just turn my back toward some vegetation and find relief.  

Though, socially too, squatting in nature can become more of an adventure than one would want. 

I was on a fox hunt once where I went behind the bushes, dropped trou, and realized I was in quicksand. Yeah, that was not something I'd anticipated. There's no feeling exactly like screaming for my life and having some strangers come to my rescue with my pants under the quicksand. And there I was. All of me. 

I'm just saying, sometimes bad things go down when you're taking care of nature's call.

Here are some other examples of things that your heroine might confront with her pants down, squatting:

• Chiggers and other biting bugs. But in particular chiggers. 
• Snakes
• People wandering over and there you are...This happens more than one would expect.
• Wayward streams of urine and clothes stuck on your boots
• Poison ivy, oak, or sumac. 
• lack of paper.
• rain
• mud
• bulky clothing 

But maybe that's not your character. Maybe she doesn't camp or isn't the rough-kind of outdoorsy type. Maybe there are other reasons why sitting to urinate puts your character into a bad position.

• She's on a boat (could you would you on a boat?)
• She's been injured
• The toilet situation is just gross and even doing the squat pee-aerobics still is a yuck.
• She's going where she knows the ladies' room line will be an hour long.
• She's on a small plane.

At the last search and rescue training a friend of mine (who is an amazing  woman of the woods) shared with me her secret: the Venus to Mars device which basically let's you pee like a guy. I thought, Whoop! I need to try that! It's bound to come up in a book. And you know, I like to do character research; just what is it like to stand and pee (piss?)? 

Since this is one that I'm not going to make a video about, here are some lovely ladies who are sharing their experiences.

This fabulous chick in the video below is a smoke jumper. She jumps out of a plane and to get to the fire's edge. As she explains it, if you jump right out of the plane with a full bladder you can explode your bladder. That would suck! They guys can use bottles. what's a girl to do?

I love this woman - she is telling it like it is - so males if you ever wanted to know for your writing   ↓↓↓

Had my character in COLD RED been allowed to bring her go-bag. She would have been well equipped for peeing in the wilds.

Unfortunately, this was not the case. 

But humans have basic needs, and I think it's important to write in human functions like eating, staying hydrated, sleeping, sexuality, getting cleaned up, and of course, relieving themselves.

Here's how I worked the basics of being a human-animal into the plot of COLD RED:

Her own physical and mental issues were making the game hard to concentrate on.

Shift the conversation elsewhere, Anna told herself. Move the ball back to his side of the court. “What’s she like, Lacey?”

“Not like you.”

“That—” She put her hands on her knees as pain shot up her leg. “That’s not a lot to go on.” Anna batted her arm out to stop Finley from walking. “Stop. I have to stop.” Anna needed to pee. She needed to drink. She needed to catch her breath for just a second. She’d start with drinking. She pulled out the Coke can that she carried inside her jacket, so her body warmth could melt the snow she’d packed inside.

Finley leaned against a tree, squinting over at her. “What’s Lacey like? Let’s see…She’s got dark brown hair and brown eyes. She’s tiny, just over five-feet tall. She’s more yoga and less cross-fit.”

“Drink,” Anna said.

Finley clumsily unzipped his coat to get his can and pulled out the piece of plastic that stoppered the hole and kept him dry. “She’s less chess player and more tea-drinking novel reader. Comfortable in front of a fireplace and less so out in the wilds building campfires out of nothing.”

Anna swirled the water around her mouth warming it a bit more before she swallowed it down. “I read novels.”

“I’m imagining you read Creighton and Child – she reads historical romances. Big fan of Jane Austen.”

“Mmmm.” Yeah, that was definitely not Anna’s thing.

“She ate a lot of salad.”

“You’ve never seen me eat a regular meal – I think you might be overreaching if you’re supposing what my diet might look like.”

“I’m imagining your more of a protein shake/paleo gal.”

She took the last swig then bent to fill the can with more snow. “Those two things don’t go together.”

“Okay.” Finley followed suit, filling his empty can. “Not paleo - clean eating. No eating from boxes for you.”

“Because they took a Ziploc of gorp from my coat pocket at the house?” She laughed. “That SWAT guy must have taken it to eat himself. It wasn’t in the trunk with the rest of my stuff. The shithead.” Finley was silent, but Anna needed the stupid banter, needed anything to think about beside her aching muscles. The pain was taking up too much space and was making panic rise like an early morning tide. “Lacey doesn’t eat nuts and raisins?”

“Nuts and raisins, maybe. She’d never put gorp in her coat pocket. She’d have a snack container in her purse if she had anything. And it would be something like a wedge of brie nestled next to some herbed olives or a spinach salad.”

“Wait. Lacey carried a spinach salad in her purse to snack on?” Anna didn’t mean to be judgmental but, “She sounds a bit high maintenance.”

Finley went to shake his head then put his hand on his make-do brace. “Self-maintained through a life of necessity. That would be the thing you have in common. She’s more like a magnolia tree, able to withstand the storms. You’re more like a holly. Equally capable in rough weather.”

Anna popped her eyebrows. “But prickly.”

Finley studied her for a moment. “I didn’t say that. I wasn’t thinking it either. I meant that you seem able to defend yourself. Lacey learned to bend and sway to stay upright in the storms where you learned to stand strong and fight back.”

“You seem to have drawn a pretty clear picture of me in your head – you’ve got this whole tree metaphor thing going.”

“It was a long night. Am I wrong about any of it?”

“Not so far,” Anna acknowledged. 



Okay so what did I learn from trying to pee (piss?) like a guy? 
Sorry for the TMI.

• You guys have it so easy! Just standing there, taking care of business and zipping back up? It was a revelation. 
• I could understand a bit better about the aiming thing, but only if you're a small child who can't pay attention so... focus! Just sayin'
• Your male character will have no comprehension of women's issues with relieving themselves. From long lines in public spaces, to clothing hassles no matter the environment, the struggle is real.
• Lady writers, if you get this device and try it, it will give you a whole new understanding of your male characters. 

And with that said, happy writing,

Fiona