Now that you’ve planned (outlined) the perfect score, hit, or Amazon delivery-route for your crew to takedown, what’s next? DisneyLand? No, you need a burnout buggy. But what do you choose? How do you choose? Do you go with powerful? Understated? Armor-plated?
“Well, pumpkins, it comes down to that age-old decision: style...or...substance?” Vida Boheme To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar
Ferrari or Bugatti? Well, neither, really.
Exotic cars, like most sexy entities, are notoriously temperamental. Less commonly known is that they are also notoriously cramped. So, unless your crew is one-and-a-half Tom Cruises, no model of supercar works. At the opposite-end of the spectrum, a minivan—spacious, fuel efficient, with beau coup cup-holders—will never do. I don’t care what you saw in The Town, you can walk faster than those buckets roll. Don’t even get me started on handling.
“Porsche, there is no substitute.” Joel Goodsen, Risky Business
Okay, the man who said that was Tom Cruise, so leg-room wasn’t an issue. But, sure, Porsche is reliable, has a sedan and two SUVs; all with powerful engines and race-track-ready suspensions. But if your dad doesn’t have a Porsche for you to “borrow,” you’ll need to think about payment.
Maybe, like the legendary Polo Shirt Bandit, you’re bold enough to use stolen credit cards to rent—or cash to buy at auction—late-model vehicles with strong engines and sketchy records. Or, you’re lucky enough to have a cousin named “Cootie” with a chop shop/illicit cargo business. Cootie will sell you any type of get-gone wagon, cheap. Like 40 to 50 percent off of Bluebook.
But even with a family discount, you’re looking at several-thousand dollars for a late-model car. If your cousin doesn’t rip you off. If the cops don’t identify your stolen car two blocks from your cousin's chop shop. All of that just to ditch it at the first opportunity.
Surprisingly enough, the "how" often goes hand-in-glove with the "what." There’s a reason that traditionalists from Bonnie and Clyde to the Lufthansa heisters stole their own cars: certainty. If you know how to boost a car, you can choose (almost) any make/model/color you need or want. Which brings us back to what to choose for your bad men/nasty women?
General Motors has long been a criminal favorite going back to Al Capone’s Town Sedan and Imperial Sedan. Reliable engines, solid chassis, and cabs that could take a beating—Cadillac became especially popular after developing a 16-cylinder engine. The wisdom of the day equated more cylinders with more power and most cop cars had 4-or-6-cylinder engines.
When Thomas Harris wrote his narco-gang using a Buick Estate Wagon to blaze through a DEA shootout, he tapped FBI data. The feds cite powerful engines, rear windows that roll all the way down, (drive-bys) and the number of ways to get in/out quickly as key points in gang preference for station wagons. Larry Phillips and Emil Matasareanu chose a GM wagon for their ill-fated North Hollywood bank score. The prevalence of Chevy Impalas among SERIOUS baddies like cop-turned-bank-robber David Mack might prompt you to ask if GM has a monopoly?
“Nothin' will outrun my V8 Ford.” Chuck Berry, (father of Rock ’n’ Roll, heister) Maybellene.
Ford Motor Company has a mad-bad-and-dangerous-to-know rep going back to the Roaring Twenties. Bugs Moran, (Capone’s early nemesis) preferred stalwart Lincolns, as did Murder Incorporated—especially after the gearheads figured out that an 8-or-12-cylinder engine provides just as much high-end horsepower without the weight, timing, and cooling issues of a 16.
How esteemed were the blue-oval mobiles? Clyde Barrow wrote a fan letter, (on display at the Ford Motor Company Museum) praising the V8 Ford and its ability to outrun anything the cops had. A further testament of Ford’s virtue as a get-away car (and Barrow’s skill behind the wheel) is the fact that Frank Hamer’s ambush hinged on a ruse to get Barrow out of his Ford.
Writers took note and Ford’s legend permeated pop-culture, from McQueen’s Mustang GT in Bullitt to Starling’s Roush in Hannibal. It’s part of the criminal pedigree carried over to McCauley’s get-away Lincoln in Heat and full circle to the Driver’s Mustang GT in Drive.
Mostly, it comes down to practicality. Ford, GM, and (more recently) Lexus are the default among villains for simple reasons: availability, accessibility, and utility. People with Porsches, Mercedes, and BMWs tend to park them behind gates, in garages, or in valet-controlled lots. They also tend to install LoJack, which is just no fun at all. Or, you know, so I’ve been told. Folks who own Fords and Chevys park them at shopping malls, movie theaters, and suburban driveways. They install scented air fresheners and rely on factory alarms.
Neither Ford nor GM has changed their ignition designs in well over 30 years. A thief can boost either—and defeat the alarm—with a screwdriver and rudimentary knowledge of fuses. Again, so I’ve been told. Know your cars, the baddies do.
John Dillinger wouldn’t touch an Equinox or MKZ with someone else’ ten-foot pole. But I bet he’d boost an Infiniti Q70 5.6 or a Subaru WRX STI in the turn of a screwdriver. So, obviously it can be style AND substance. If you want your villain doing the do in Bill Harrah’s Jerrari, have at it—as long as you do your legwork: function, availability, and accessibility.
Just remember the most important burnout-buggy axiom: nobody does heavy business in a Prius.
The photo above, Al Capone's 452 V-16, Cadillac Imperial Sedan, is from Bonham's and is used for illustrative/educational purposes covered by the Fair Use Doctrine.
No comments:
Post a Comment